Saturday, April 22, 2017

“Perfectly Imperfect”

A Church committee was searching for a new pastor.  The committee interviewed the candidates and called at least three references on each of them to get background information.  The following is a confidential report to the Church on the committee’s progress.

Adam:  A good man, but seems to have problems with his wife.  One of the references reported that he and his wife enjoy walking around nude in the woods.
Noah:  Held a former pastorate of 120 years with no converts.  Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham:  Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph:  He is a big thinker, but something of a braggart.  He thinks he can interpret dreams and he also has a prison record.  
Moses:  A modest and meek fellow, but a poor communicator, even stuttering at times.  He occasionally blows his stack and acts rashly.  Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David:  The most promising leader, both young and handsome, until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife.
Solomon:  Great preacher, but our parsonage would never hold all his wives.
Elijah:  Prone to depression—collapses under pressure.
Elisha:  Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea:  A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.
Jeremiah:  He is emotionally unstable, an alarmist, and always lamenting things. He is reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.  
Amos:  He is backward and unpolished.  Has a hang-up with wealthy people.  Might fit in better in a poor parish.
Deborah:  Female!
John:  He says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one.  He has slept outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter:  Too blue collar.  Has a bad temper and has been known to curse.  Aggressive—a loose cannon.
Paul:  Powerful CEO-type leader and a good preacher.  However, he is short on tact, harsh, and has been known to preach all night.
Timothy:  Too young!
Jesus:  Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people.  Seldom stays in one place very long and is single.
Judas:  His references are solid.  He’s a steady plodder and a conservative.  Has good connections.  Knows how to handle money and make deals.  We are inviting him to preach this Sunday.  There are possibilities here.

A wood carving called "Twisted"

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